Sonntag, 10. Juli 2016

Six years

I never wrote anything last year. It was five years, half a decade since that horrible 10th July that took Lennon from me.

And today, six years on, part of me still just wants to just hide away.

It is the memory of this day that tortures me so much that I cannot find any words for it. I miss him, I wish every morning that he had never left, I try to imagine what life would be with him, how we would all be without that scar in our hearts. How would we be today, if we had not experienced such pain and such a loss. I envy that image of me that in reality doesn't exist.

But what makes today so much harder than oher days, is that when I look at clock I know at what time he was still here, what time I said "see you later", the time when I got the call that there was an accident. After that it all becomes a blur, a state of shock, a pain that was too painful to bear, but that none of us could escape from.

As time went on I have learned how to escape, how to live each day, sometimes easier, sometimes harder, but on the 10th of July it is impossible to find that escape.

And part of me wants to relive this day, to remind me that unfortunatey it was real.

Oh my dear Lennon, there are so many happy moments we shared, and when I wake up tomorrow I promise that I will try again to think of these, of the playgrounds, the beaches, the fields and places we visited together, hand in hand. I miss you.