Three years .... Three years without kissing, talking to, playing or even just being with Lennon. Three years on and I still have as many questions. I do occasionaly find my own answers, but I have no way of telling whether these are ultimately also the truth. I so desperately want there to be a reason or a meaning, but to be honest, I just don't know if there is.
At first I was sure that this tragedy would make me a bitter woman, and I am surprised to say that it hasn't. But what it has, is that it made me a scared, less trusting, probably even controlling woman. You might see me and think that I have regained some strength or control, but I actually feel pretty lost. Life as a bereaved mother sucks, because it is so incredibly hard to judge if danger is really approaching or whether I am being paranoid. It's always just one foot ahead of the other, never the entire road at once.
I try to think back of how I was prior to Lennon's accident and I don't recognise that woman anymore (even looking at old pictures is like looking into the eyes of a stranger) - instead I find her naive, gullable, even pathetic, yet I also envy her for her confidence in life. I long back to be so carefree. But then the weirdest thing is that I probably never was carefree, it's just that from where I stand now, the worries or fears I used to have seem insignificant. When the accident happened a part of me died, it's gone, just like Lennon. And strangely this realisation helps me to handle each day as it comes, because I know that it is impossible to have my son as well as my old self back, so I have to make do with what is left of me to make it a decent day for Lennon's siblings - Bessie, Brodie and Trudie.
Our life - and I - would be so different if the 10th July 2010 hadn't taken Lennon from us. And now, three years on, my wild little toddler, would probably be a little boy, so different to how he was, yet surely still as adorable and amazing. There are hundreds of possibilities how we all would be today, but it is a pointless exercise to dwell on them, because life is what it is. And wasn't it John Lennon who sung "Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans." We played the song 'Beautiful Boy' at Lennon's naming ceremony, yet I had no idea how different to our plan this life would happen.
Lennon - I love and miss you with all my heart - and as I cannot turn back the time, I do hope that one day I will find an answer.
