I noticed that music has become so powerful in triggering and taking control of my feelings, that I avoid to listen to songs when I am at home alone. I tend to prefer complete silence.

One song that - when played on the radio - completely overwhelms me and that makes me break down in tears is a song called Helele by Safri Duo & Velile. It was one of those world cup hits last summer. And when I hear it I travel back in time to the Wednesday before the accident. Germany played Spain in the semi final and even though people had asked me to come and watch the game with them, I decided to stay home with Lennon and Bessie and spend the evening with my precious kids. Bessie went to bed even before the game started. Lennon and I were both wearing our football outfits, I was drinking wine, he was eating pizza, we played with his cars on the carpets and then he just cuddled up and fell asleep in my arms while Germany lost the game. When the game finished this song was performed on TV and I picked up Lennon and I remember so clearly how lucky I felt to have this amazing son and thought that I would never have to feel lonely as we were so connected and had so much fun together, whatever we did.  With Lennon in my arms I moved along to the song and felt so content and fulfilled.
And hearing this song I remember the moment and my feelings of happiness so clearly, but my heart breaks because I know that this moment is gone forever. And instead there is a part of my heart that will forever be lonely, that part that loved Lennon and will continue to for at long as it beats.

And crying can be so exhausting, so I tend to avoid situations that will take out even more energy. It's only when I drive in our car that I turn on the radio, so more often than not I arrive at my destination with watery eyes. Meaningful songs about love and loss bring out the tears anyway. Yet it is also the happy songs that remind me of how happy-go-lucky I once was and how easy life really seemed to be that crush my heart. It's hard to accept that our life changed so quickly and so drastically and that I have to continue knowing I lost something so special.

In a way I am grateful to those beautiful songs for reminding me of all the special times and moments, yet sometimes I simply don't feel I am strong enough to put myself into a situation whereby emotions take control of me and I cannot hold back the tears.